An Internet First: a blog entry about depression

November 22, 2006 § Leave a comment

I was reading an old Mimi Smartypants entry (I’ve decided to go back to the beginnings of my favorite blogs and work forward. To fill in the gaps. And also, my favorite blogs being what they are, to see what they were like before kids) and I came across this:“This is a new accountant this year…he was super cool. We started talking about graduate school and dissertations and whatnot, and it turns out the accountant guy holds a PhD in paleo-Siberian languages. How cool is that!”

It is SO COOL. God, I wish I had conversations like that… but in order to do so, one must first create conversation, I suppose, and I’m not much good at it at all. In fact, I sometimes have a hard time getting up the nerve to say “hello” (it’s always followed by “how are you?” but is this a polite inquiry to which I should just reply “fine”; or a concerned question, to which I should give a thoughtful reply? How am I?) on the street, which is yet another reason to beg my doctor for antidepressants at my appointment next week.

I say ‘beg’ because I’m not sure I really need medication right now, but I am positive I’ll need it before the winter is over, and since it takes them a month to get into one’s system, isn’t it better to start early? But my GP tends to be fairly conservative with medication, which I respect. I, too, hate the idea of preventative medication— in this case, pumping myself with mind-altering chemicals just in case I lose the ability to keep my shit together.

When I was on Prozac before— was it junior high or freshman year? or both? this memory lapse is another facet of my antidepressant experience that gives me pause— I never felt that they made much difference to me, and I hated the way my GP kept racheting up the dose to get an effect. How much should I take before I declare them useless? But my opinion mattered very little in that doctor-patient relationship. My mother’s diagnosis of my behavior cut more ice than how I thought I felt.

I eventually just stopped taking them, and didn’t notice a change, which I hope just means that my dose wasn’t high enough, or that Prozac isn’t the med for me. In the end I only really got past the depression when I left home. Which was my opinion from the beginning. Form your own conclusions.

But, God, it would be nice (miraculous) to rid myself of this miasma of despair and social anxiety just by taking a pill.

Anyway, in an effort to become more social and end my social anxieties, we’re going to a live performance tonight. (I hate the word concert— reminds me too much of all the Chorus concerts I forced others to suffer through.) I’m even excited.

Daily Insect Casualty Report
I think we’ve won the war! Quick! Get me the Pentagon, I hear they have an opening!

November 21, 2006; 4:46pm AST

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